2 years ago today, I was alone in my room. I had just gotten back from my church retreat. It was the first time in about 2 or 3 months, that I had eaten 2 full meals, and I hadn’t cut. I was happy. I had a feeling, rather than just feeling numb. I got home around 11 am. And I was waiting outside the church. And I was talking to one of my good friends, the guy I had been in love with for 3 years. We talked for about 30 minutes, and I didn’t want it to end. I missed our friendship. I can’t remember how I spent my day. All I remember was going into my room at around 10 o’clock at night. I was happy… until I realized that I had school the next day. I had to go back to pretending I was ok. I had to see my ex-boyfriend, whom I thought I loved at the time, with his new girlfriend, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. I had to deal with the harassment by my classmates. Whether it be one of them, laughing at me, and making fun of everything I did. Another one calling me fat and ugly. Or another one, trying to touch my breasts, and telling me go to the bathroom with his cellphone and take “Special pictures” for him. It all hit me then. I couldn’t go to school tomorrow. I couldn’t go to school again… in fact, I didn’t want to wake up tomorrow.
I cannot tell you how many pills I took that night…. All I remember is the fear that hit, right after I did it. I asked my mom to come in, anytime I did this, there would always be that “why? why do you need me?” long conversation back and forth until I finally came to her… not tonight. Tonight she came in there. It took me 10 minutes to get out through my tears that I wanted to die. I had lost about 15 pounds over the course of a few weeks, I couldn’t go a day without cutting myself. I was purging so much that I would pass out, and sometimes I would have to leave school early because I literally was so sick. This night, was my first suicide attempt. And the first night I ever admitted that I had a problem. This was my first suicide attempt, but not my last.
Today is my 2nd anniversary of this. A lot of you ask the meaning behind my url.. and now you know. I think this is the most details I’ve been able to remember about that blur of a year, my heart blocked it out, because there’s too much shame and guilt.
I hope that you were able to read this long post, about a night that has a very deep and special meaning to me. And know, that no matter how dark of a place you’re in, no matter how much you think you’ve done, or how unloved you are. You CAN rise above it, you CAN beat it, I’m living proof of it! If you ever need to talk, please feel free to talk to me. I love you all<3
"Don’t start a relationship if you are going to waste someone’s time because someone better can be in your position."
The point of dating, is to see if someone would fit as a spouse. If you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to date, if you are in a relationship, just for fun, sex, or a good time, you aren’t in it for the right reasons, and are distracting that person, and yourself, from growing, and finding the person they are meant to be with.
Goal: Determine whether or not you are ready to date. I personally am saving myself until I’m 18. If you do decide to wait, there’s a book called “I kissed dating goodbye” that has helped me.
"Everyone has the heartbreak that shapes them in a way that they could never go back to the innocence they had before."
Every relationship you have, has something you can learn from. Whether it’s who not to date, or how much a person can hide their true selves. I understand how much it hurts to have your heartbroken but understand that it’s not the end of the world, and that you will get over this, and become stronger, and grow.
Goal: Discover what you have learned from your past and present relationships, and think about all that you have left to learn. Hopefully it makes you excited for the future.
Why did I give up everything, just to end up here, feeling like I’m nothing?